I have a lot on my mind this week, but it would take far too long to type it all out. Suffice it to say that I've felt the weight of our current trials a lot more. But there are a couple of great possibilities on the horizon, both of which I'll say more about when either or both become concrete.
I haven't been sleeping well. The insomnia that plagued me at this time last year when we were trying to move is back. I'm lucky if I get four hours a night. Wednesday night? I didn't sleep at all. But Thursday through Saturday I was blessed to have a wonderful friend and her children visiting from Washington, and their presence helped take my mind off of these difficult things for hours at a time. Not only that, but my dear friend asked me to let her help me fold my laundry (because we had baskets that had been in my laundry room for months) because she really loves folding clothes. So she helped me (read, folded most of it because I was so dazed), and we went through a lot of it and she ended up taking a bunch of outgrown clothing home for her adorable children. So this was a tender, tender mercy for me. And she didn't judge me at all for not having a perfectly clean house, or for keeping her up late because we had a birthday party for my second son on Friday. She is an angel, and I'm blessed to have her and her family as friends.
Another friend has been checking up on me and listening to me prattle on about things I need to get off my chest. It's been hard to let that go to someone who is not James, especially because I always fear I will overburden someone else. But this friend is one I feel safe with. And when I've been on the verge of tears and with a heavy heart for a long time, she lets me know that it's all right to spill my guts. She listens. She doesn't judge me. And she lifts me up with her friendship, love, and prayer. She is a balm to my soul, and I am so grateful for her.
James mentioned early in the week that he thought we should go to the temple. (I'm a member of the LDS church, and we have temples we also go to where we serve and worship.) I felt that prompting as well, so we planned to go Saturday night. I've been praying for strength and help, and I've been doing my best to exercise faith and look to the Lord, in spite of not feeling very comforted these days. But if faith was easy, then there would be no test, right? So I've been praying and looking to the Lord, but still feeling very burdened. Then, a couple of days ago, an experience was brought back to my mind. One I had in early December, where I was given a strong message that Heavenly Father would bring to pass something wonderful. I won't give details, since it's personal, but suffice it to say that I was shown in a way that I could not argue nor deny that God is aware of me. And the memory of that experience was brought back to me, and I didn't know how or when this would happen. We're about down to the wire. We need a miracle. And yet, God asks me to trust Him. I would be a fool not to.
Last night, James and I went to the Payson Temple.
Picture from lds.org
It's glorious and feels like home. I expected to be comforted a good deal like I always am when I attend the temple, but even with my remembering that experience in December, my heart was still heavy. I haven't been well physically, and all this has taken its toll. I sat there, in the temple with my sweetheart, and had to keep from crying. I pray, I do my best, I exercise faith, and I still fall short. But I'm not giving up on Him, because ultimately, I know He will not give up on me. And over the weekend, and especially this afternoon we had some news that may result in the lightening of some of those burdens.
This is already getting long, so as far as my goals go, I'm overall pleased with how they went last week. (Exercised three times and was sore after that for three days!) I did not get my draft finished, as I had an emergency edit for a client (another blessing), I had headaches at the beginning of the week, and with the insomnia, I got really behind. So this week, I need to rest as much as I can between trying to build my physical body back. Because it's not happy with me. So my major goals this week are to slowly go through a bit in my youngest son's room, finish writing my draft, exercise, and rest as much as I can. I have to do the exercise to help my blood sugar and strengthen my core muscles to help stabilize the spondylolisthesis (slipped vertebrae). The exercise takes so much out of me that recovery is longer than it should be. So it's a balance, but I have to do it in order to help my body work as it should. I hate admitting that I need to make myself rest, because it makes me feel weak. But I have to. It feels like the years have just worn me down to the point where my body doesn't want to recover. I feel selfish that I need to do this. But when some of these trials are lifted, I'll be able to afford some therapies and things that will help with pain management and recovery.
The good news is that my middle grade, Captain Schnozzlebeard and the Curse of the Werechickens, is sitting around 17,600 words. I draft light (I pad the manuscript with words while revising), so I'm aiming to finish around 25k - 28k with space for revisions, so it'll end up about 30k - 35k when finished. And I'm going to need beta readers for this middle grade in about a week, if I can manage it, and will need it back within a week to two weeks so I can meet my publisher's deadline. So if you're a fan of ridiculous middle grade fiction, and especially if you've read the first one (though this one will stand alone, so that's not wholly necessary), please let me know if you're interesting in beta reading.
It's well past midnight, so I'd better go try to get some sleep. I think I'll need to take a melatonin. But I'm hoping to have some very, very good news by tomorrow or Tuesday, so if I can't sleep because of that, well, at least the kids don't have school tomorrow. I get to sleep in. And when I think about sleeping in, I always hear my dad's voice, from back when we used to complain about not getting to sleep in more as teenagers: "You always get to sleep in. We never make you sleep outside." I love my dad. :)
Goodnight, world. See you later. I have a lot on my mind, but I have Heavenly Father in my corner. I need to keep remembering that.