Monday, May 3, 2010

How to Lose Weight FAST!

  Here is a way I've discovered to drop inches FAST!  The only thing it might cost you is pain medication.  Oh, and I suggest doing this over a weekend so that your spouse can take care of the children.  Believe me, you will not be in any shape to.  But it's all worth it in the name of beauty, right?

  Go somewhere that's very crowded, oh, sometime in the middle of the week.  That way you'll have a couple of days to see if you're lucky enough to contract the "Magic Weight-Loss Virus". Timing is VERY important, because you won't want your spouse to miss work to take care of you.  Because he or she will definitely have to, or your children will be left to watch Quest for Camelot endlessly, eating cereal all day long out of dirty bowls, convinced that you are dying.


  After a few days of your exposure... let's say Friday, live it up.  Go to your sister's birthday party, have a great time with friends, because you'll soon be hanging onto those fun memories from your bed--actually, you'll be nearly hallucinating, so you won't be thinking of much else besides pain, your Mommy, plot points of another book you want to write when you should be hallucinating about the one you're currently writing, and oh...publishers. 

  At said party, you may feel your throat getting sore.  Not to worry, it's only the promise of better-fitting jeans you're feeling!  Have another small helping of three kinds of ice cream to soothe your throat.

  About two hours later, your throat will begin to melt. Have another helping of three kinds of ice cream (just make sure they're small scoops so no one thinks you're totally gross), and why not throw in some cake?  After all, this will be the last thing you will eat for a long while.  May as well enjoy it.

  Now you'll be in for a real treat.  This is where the magical weight loss happens.  Not only will your throat be swollen and filled with balefire (if you're a Wheel of Time fan you'll get this reference, if not--oh well.), you won't want anything, not even to swallow your own saliva.

  Next, you'll begin shaking. You'll swear you've lost all your clothes and are laying on a dogsled in the Arctic in the middle of winter.  This works to your advantage--you get all the benefit of calorie burning without hypothermia.  Win-win!

  The tough part is the pain, but it will help you on your weight-loss journey.  All the groaning and twitching from freezing, and the pain from ice picks in your back and thighs burn several hundred calories an hour.  You may take Extra Strength Tylenol, because it will help to keep your temp steady at the 102-103 degree zone, while stopping your twitching long enough to get scattered sleep.  You don't want to be awake ALL the time, that would thwart your weight loss.  You know, the importance of cortisol and all.

  HOWEVER--DO CHECK YOUR TEMPERATURE WHEN YOU START FEELING HOT.  Because it may turn out that the two blankets, a comforter, sheet, socks, hot water bottle and heating pad turned on high may be a leetle bit too much once the Tylenol takes you down a bit.  After all, 105.3 is getting up there--weight loss is important, but not to the point of having to change sweaty sheets.

  You will know you are at the height of this wonderful program when you can't surf the internet on your laptop, sit up for more than a few seconds, lay down reading, keep your eyes focused on anything, or care if your kids were running around naked on the rooftop and were abducted by aliens.  In fact, you might be grateful for the peace and quiet.

  After a weekend of this, you should have lost 3-5 pounds.  It's hard to be accurate, say, if your husband changed the batteries in the scale and now it's registering everyone two pounds heavier, and your brain is fried from fever which makes the math too hard.  So you're guaranteed to lose 3-5 pounds.  Or more.  Or less.

  A nice, lingering effect is that your throat will stay sore for a while afterward, making you think twice about putting those M&Ms in your mouth.  You will probably think three times then only eat half as many.  Which is good, especially if your husband got a family-sized bag when he made a Walmart run with the kids on Saturday.

  **Disclaimer:  these statements have not been evaluated by the Fleshy Divas Association.  Use at your own risk, return to sender.  Address unknown.  No such number, No such phone.  Etcetera. **