Saturday, April 17, 2010

Glitteringly Hilarious

I view the Twilight books as mind candy.  Airy, devoid of redeeming substance, consumed for escapism entertainment purposes only.  Stephenie Meyer does have a pretty good imagination, but her is interesting. Still, the books were a fun read.  The lack of character-building and much else of substance worked only because Bella was a tunnel-visioned, obsessed teenage girl, and lets face it--those types tend to view the world as Ms. Meyer wrote it.  Minus the vampires and werewolves, I hope.  I had expected that the movies would at least be half as interesting to watch as the books were to read.

I should have known better.

Last night James and I watched New Moon.  I expected something a little more watchable than the first movie, since Catherine Hardwicke was replaced by Chris Weitz.

The opening scenes? Not bad.  Kristen Stewart wasn't quite as monotone this movie.  Rob Pattinson, however, looked like he'd gotten punched in the nose one too many times.  I'm sorry, he's just not Edward. The problem for me was...well...the whole movie.

Let's begin with Bella's birthday party.

Really, Edward throws Bella that hard into the wall, she lands on a table and all that happens is that she gets cut on glass?   If that were me, I'd be in a heckuvalotta pain!  Forget the bleeding arm, I think I'd have a couple of broken ribs or tailbone or something.

This picture makes me laugh every time I see it. 

  As the scene cut to Jasper Willy Wonka (Don't you see it?  The hair and crazy eyes?) James quipped, "Did you notice that he threw you in the garbage?"  I kept quoting that randomly throughout the movie and giggling.  Good stuff, Husband.

What was up with the hair?  Bella's was ok, but Jasper looked like he was wearing a dead, rabid fox.  Carlisle may not have been wearing a wig, but his hair was indeed appropriate for a doctor--jaundiced.

 See?  I told you. Willy Wonka.
Alice's stylist gets props, though.

Jacob's hair looked as if one of the costume assistants ran home to grab an old Cher Halloween wig.  "I've had this since the 70's; no one will recognize it!"

Whenever Edward professed his undying love for Bella, we laughed.  Every. Single. Time.  I mean, really.  He sounded terrible, like something a girl thinks she yearns to hear a guy say, but when the words actually come out of his mouth it makes him sound wussy, needy, and makes her head for the nearest tough with a motorcycle.  Not the words "I love you", but the "I need nothing but you, I'll kill myself if you die, blah, blah, blahgity blah blah".  I know it was in the book, but at least there I could hear Edward's voice in that old-time cadence, all Victorian-y.  He looks different in my head, too. At least there was no spider-monkey business in this movie.

And how about those kissing scenes?  Oh my goodness, they sounded so...intimate I nearly had to look away.  Truly Bella, it's amazing you can even stand up straight when so...overcome before you actually even kiss the guy.  Ick.

When Edward was telling Bella goodbye, I truly felt how deeply Edward's words were hurting her.  In fact, she looked downright ill.  She kept leaning over slightly, looking like she was going to barf.  "Oh, Edward," *blaarrrrrggaaraahh*  "don't  lea--" *huuuurrrrl* "--ve me, plea--" *heave* "--se!"

No wonder Edward left so quickly.  He didn't want his fancy shoes ruined.

When Sam first poked his massive wolfy head out of the forest, I declared "It's Smokey the Bear!"  This picture isn't as good as his first appearance, but I couldn't find that.  See the resemblance?  If not, pay attention if you ever watch that scene.  It's the one where the wolves get themselves some Laurent jerky.

"Only we can fight forest vampires."

Doesn't this picture of Jacob's transformation make you think of  Kung Fu Panda?

And I admit that the only time I would have said "Oh yeah" was seeing the fully grown Jacob.   Although I wouldn't actually say it, because he's only 16 and I'm 31.  I can appreciate his grownupness as a work of art, nothing more.  Yes I can.

That hair?  Such fine lines, such unorganized structure!

Edward, not so much.  Yikes.  The phrase "dead fish" comes to mind.  Silvery, cold, and clammy.  I totally laughed at Edward shirtless--that pale-skinned Cullen that's outa shape. (Ok, maybe he's not in New Moon, but that line is so funny!)

That robe is just strange.  He looks like Bella pulled him out of the tub to run away from the weirdo museum guide in the background all Night-of-the-Museum style.  By the way, I figured out who the museum guide (Aro, Carlisle is behind him in the next pic, growing a third leg and arm out of his bum)--

--reminds me of.  


This guy:

Wouldn't he make a splendid vampire?  His hair is already tons better than everyone else's.  Since Lost is nearly over, he probably needs a new job.

So to sum up:

Chris Weitz + New Moon = odd-haired vampires, lusty breathing, and strangely-focused filming that made me feel like I was dreaming.  The bad thing about that was that unlike dreaming, I couldn't wake up.

Too much music. Too much Bella, too much Edward. Too much staring blankly at windows/people/nothing.

I have to admit though, I did enjoy the whole werewolf aspect.  Those guys (including Jacob) were decent
actors. I also like Alice and Carlisle, I would liked to have seen more of them.

I will leave you with this even though it's a Twilight, not New Moon spoof, because if you haven't seen it, you should.   Taylor Swift could definitely play Bella, except she's too pretty. Kristen Stewart is too pretty as well, but she can be made to look more homely. I don't think Taylor can.

Anyway, enjoy!


Kimberly said...

Oh you crack me up! I'm sitting here in front of the computer laughing out loud! Can't wait to see this movie!

Annette Lyon said...

You pretty much summed it up. My husband and I saw it in the theaters just for kicks and had a BALL laughing when all the women (not just girls) were whooping and screaming.

(This just might be your BEST POST EVER.)

Karen said...

Ok, I agree with everything. I laughed a lot! But didn't you find something different about Alice in this one? In the first movie she and Carlisle were the only ones I really liked. She seemed less likable in New Moon and I can't put my finger on it. For sure the hair was bad, but I admit it, I did say "Oh yeah" when I saw the clean cut Jacob. That's what I was left wanting more scenes with those boys....because she did spend a lot of time at La Push in this book! :)

Heidi Ashworth said...

I really hated the first movie so maybe that's why I thought this one was marginally better. BTW, crazy reviewing skills, girl! I can only count myself lucky that you liked my book.

L.T. Elliot said...

I laughed my butt off at the Doctor Horrible reference. Oh, that was delightful! The smokey the bear had me so seriously dying of laughter! Rebecca, you deserve HUGE props for this one!

Aubrey said...

I hughly enjoyed this review!
I never saw this one though. After I laughed my way through the first movie I just didn't really want to see this one. I enjoyed the books. Spot on, they are mind candy. And Jasper Willy Wonka...I always thought Jasper Edward Scissorshands myself, but Willy Wonka works too! And a constipated one at that.

mindyluwho said...

I haven't seen this one yet. I have to admit, that the only reason I really want to is because of what everyone says about Jacob...

I had watched a spoof of the first movie where Edward reveals his sparkly self to Bella BEFORE I watched the movie and when that scene came up I could not stop laughing, it was just SO corny!

Great review, now I can't wait to see it!

林守全 said...
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InkMom said...

Agreed, and agreed. And agreed. On all counts. Funny, funny, funny post.

Helmbunch said...

I saw this one in the theater with my two girls. It was funny, when Jacob takes off his shirt, all you could her was this this elongated "oh my" all througout the theater. Everything else. . . hated the hair--the stylist should be shot and really who looking at Edwards bare chest would pick him over Jacob? Jacob is totally eye candy. Is Bella totally blind??? Love the post. Made me laugh out loud.