I should have known better.
Last night James and I watched New Moon. I expected something a little more watchable than the first movie, since Catherine Hardwicke was replaced by Chris Weitz.
The opening scenes? Not bad. Kristen Stewart wasn't quite as monotone this movie. Rob Pattinson, however, looked like he'd gotten punched in the nose one too many times. I'm sorry, he's just not Edward. The problem for me was...well...the whole movie.
Let's begin with Bella's birthday party.
Really, Edward throws Bella that hard into the wall, she lands on a table and all that happens is that she gets cut on glass? If that were me, I'd be in a heckuvalotta pain! Forget the bleeding arm, I think I'd have a couple of broken ribs or tailbone or something.
This picture makes me laugh every time I see it.
As the scene cut to Jasper Willy Wonka (Don't you see it? The hair and crazy eyes?) James quipped, "Did you notice that he threw you in the garbage?" I kept quoting that randomly throughout the movie and giggling. Good stuff, Husband.
What was up with the hair? Bella's was ok, but Jasper looked like he was wearing a dead, rabid fox. Carlisle may not have been wearing a wig, but his hair was indeed appropriate for a doctor--jaundiced.
See? I told you. Willy Wonka.
Alice's stylist gets props, though.
Jacob's hair looked as if one of the costume assistants ran home to grab an old Cher Halloween wig. "I've had this since the 70's; no one will recognize it!"
Whenever Edward professed his undying love for Bella, we laughed. Every. Single. Time. I mean, really. He sounded terrible, like something a girl thinks she yearns to hear a guy say, but when the words actually come out of his mouth it makes him sound wussy, needy, and makes her head for the nearest tough with a motorcycle. Not the words "I love you", but the "I need nothing but you, I'll kill myself if you die, blah, blah, blahgity blah blah". I know it was in the book, but at least there I could hear Edward's voice in that old-time cadence, all Victorian-y. He looks different in my head, too. At least there was no spider-monkey business in this movie.
And how about those kissing scenes? Oh my goodness, they sounded so...intimate I nearly had to look away. Truly Bella, it's amazing you can even stand up straight when so...overcome before you actually even kiss the guy. Ick.
When Edward was telling Bella goodbye, I truly felt how deeply Edward's words were hurting her. In fact, she looked downright ill. She kept leaning over slightly, looking like she was going to barf. "Oh, Edward," *blaarrrrrggaaraahh* "don't lea--" *huuuurrrrl* "--ve me, plea--" *heave* "--se!"
No wonder Edward left so quickly. He didn't want his fancy shoes ruined.
When Sam first poked his massive wolfy head out of the forest, I declared "It's Smokey the Bear!" This picture isn't as good as his first appearance, but I couldn't find that. See the resemblance? If not, pay attention if you ever watch that scene. It's the one where the wolves get themselves some Laurent jerky.
"Only we can fight forest vampires."
Doesn't this picture of Jacob's transformation make you think of Kung Fu Panda?
And I admit that the only time I would have said "Oh yeah" was seeing the fully grown Jacob. Although I wouldn't actually say it, because he's only 16 and I'm 31. I can appreciate his grownupness as a work of art, nothing more. Yes I can.
That hair? Such fine lines, such unorganized structure!
Edward, not so much. Yikes. The phrase "dead fish" comes to mind. Silvery, cold, and clammy. I totally laughed at Edward shirtless--that pale-skinned Cullen that's outa shape. (Ok, maybe he's not in New Moon, but that line is so funny!)
That robe is just strange. He looks like Bella pulled him out of the tub to run away from the weirdo museum guide in the background all Night-of-the-Museum style. By the way, I figured out who the museum guide (Aro, Carlisle is behind him in the next pic, growing a third leg and arm out of his bum)--
--reminds me of.
Wouldn't he make a splendid vampire? His hair is already tons better than everyone else's. Since Lost is nearly over, he probably needs a new job.
So to sum up:
Chris Weitz + New Moon = odd-haired vampires, lusty breathing, and strangely-focused filming that made me feel like I was dreaming. The bad thing about that was that unlike dreaming, I couldn't wake up.
Too much music. Too much Bella, too much Edward. Too much staring blankly at windows/people/nothing.
I have to admit though, I did enjoy the whole werewolf aspect. Those guys (including Jacob) were decent
actors. I also like Alice and Carlisle, I would liked to have seen more of them.
I will leave you with this even though it's a Twilight, not New Moon spoof, because if you haven't seen it, you should. Taylor Swift could definitely play Bella, except she's too pretty. Kristen Stewart is too pretty as well, but she can be made to look more homely. I don't think Taylor can.