Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What Not to Say to Your Children Unless You Want to Scar Them for Life

Before I had children, I had a list of things I would never, ever do to traumatize them.  Yes, I see you laughing and nodding your head if you have children.  If you don't--just wait.

The first thing on the list was to prevent happenings of the following sort:

My very first memory ever, was when I was still in diapers.  I must have been really, really small--probably  two or younger.  Mom was changing my diaper, and at the same time finishing up a brownie.

I thought she was eating my poo.

I started crying, and of course it was hilarious to her.  I still remember the shock, my world turned upside-down and shaken. I was completely, utterly, horrified. My mother was eating my poop.

She teased me with it for a moment before telling me what it was.  Sadly, as an adult, this is something I would also have done to my own kids.  Actually, I think I may have done it to one or two of them. My mother is very whimsically inclined and a lot of fun was had by her imagination.  I remember being ten  when she shaped either brownies or Tootsie Rolls into the shape of our little dog's poop and put it on a washcloth next to the wood stove.  Shocked was an understatement when my siblings saw her pick it up and eat it.  At that time, I was thankful for my previous experience; I knew what was going on.  Lest you think my mother always played jokes like that, let me reassure you that she didn't.  However, those incidents stick out most in my memory.

My mother is awesome.  I always hoped I'd take after her somewhat.  Well, I don't have to worry anymore.

Fast forward twenty-nine years...

Yesterday I was making a spread out of nuts and such in my food processor.  Yummy.  Then Bean started acting up and I sat down on the couch and nursed him to sleep.

After I put him down for his nap, nature called.  So I was in the bathroom, tending to my business, when the door opened a crack.  (I hate it when I forget to lock the door.  It's like I'm playing roulette--will they open it before I finish?  Most likely.)

Princess' face appeared.  "Mommy, can I have some frozen fruit?" (That's her snack of choice.)

"Hold on," I replied, referring to the nut spread, "I'm making something yummy."

Silence.

It slowly dawned on me how that sounded, and I began cackling like a hyena.  She shut the door to give me back my privacy.

*Sigh*  It's a good thing it wasn't Lion.  He probably would have freaked out.  He doesn't take things in stride like Princess does.  She's the most matter-of-fact one in the bunch.

I hope my children grow up to be brilliant with fantastic jobs and great health insurance.  They're going to need a lot of therapy.

7 comments:

*MARY* said...

holy CRAP! That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time.
I love poop stories.

Carrot Jello said...

THat's the first thing that's made me laugh out loud in a long time.
Thanks!

L.T. Elliot said...

You know what? I think you and your mom sound delightful. Despite the trauma, you both teach your kids to laugh and what's better than that. ;)

Karen said...

I think I'm adopted. *gag*

She's in the kitchen! said...

Nope, Karen, no chance of that...you were born at home! Thanks for making me laugh more times than you know, and Pixie is following in your footsteps! Hahahaha.......

Helmbunch said...

I have laughed now for about 20 minutes. As this is another character building week for me. THANK YOU!!!!! oh my word!! no wonder I love your family.

mindyluwho said...

Oh my! That is funny!