Friday, January 8, 2010

No Strings

Ah, it's been a long, long time.

It's not like I haven't been online.  I'm on Facebook all day, and I browse my share of crafting blogs plus a couple that have no real substance to them at all.  I have a five month old baby who doesn't do well when he's not on his mother's lap most of the day, and in her arms nearly all of the night.  He's one of the sweetest babies I have ever known, and one of the most demanding as well.  So I play online while the world falls to pieces around me.

I'm not sure what's up with my head.  I do tend to have a rough time postpartum for about a year after childbirth.  Baby blues, nothing really heavy, but it's enough.  I miss my friends, if they'll still count me among their friends.  Friends don't leave and not visit blogs for...oh...months and months.

It's just that....I tend to do more meaningless things when I can't handle any more emotionally.  I have some bloggy friends who are INCREDIBLE writers, women whom I identify in so many ways.  (Kim, Laura, and Heidi to name a few.)  When I read their words they touch me, I laugh and sniff (sadly, not haughtily), and they reach for and touch my soul.  I connect.

That connection is what I've been avoiding for months now.  Things that tug at my heartstrings or reach out and grab me, I can't handle much of.  There's too much in my head, I just can't deal with it for some reason.  Give me things without emotional substance, I'm fine.  I have no desire to watch dramatic movies for that same reason.

It's been far too long since I've written anything.  I wrote a few lines of a song parody today on Facebook and like old friends, the words seemed happy to come back to play.  I missed them.  It felt good, like a furry, warm velour blanket.  Deep crimson and snuggly.

So, I may write now and then again.  But for now anyway, I'm turning off comments.  I don't have the emotional capacity to worry how many I have or the reason why someone is commenting.  Most of you are genuine, I just can't handle the game of someone stopping by to comment only to gain more readers because I just can't do it any more.  I don't want anyone to feel obligated to leave a comment if they enjoyed what I wrote.  I'm hoping to write for myself, just to put things out there--at least, that's where I'm coming from now.  No obligation, no strings. Just words.

Perhaps writing some again will help--if I can handle what comes out of me.  Goodness knows I have a difficult time letting anything in these days.

I hope those of you I have known here for a long time will forgive me for not visiting your blogs much.  I will be around, I do come around now and then but I don't always comment.  Sometimes I forget, sometimes I just don't know what to say.  I hope you will not think me a terrible person, but if you do I will accept that.

Thanks for reading.

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