Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Well, Hello There!

It is 1:30 am and I'm up because I'm hot. No, I'm not bragging. The thermostat says 71, but I'm sure it's lying.

Such a weird reversal! Usually it's James who's too warm. Now my feet are warmer than his, this little bun is causing the oven to overheat. Too bad that has no effect on the weight gain. The nurse has told me that insulin can do that to you. Well, Mr. Insulin, I don't like that at all! You didn't do this to me when I was pregnant with Princess. No siree, you didn't. I don't like how you're acting now!

My fingers are itching. Trembling to burst from the hold I put on them from connecting with most everyone I know (except on Google chat with my mother). I've restrained them far too long, limiting them to dispensing advice to scared/frustrated/sad/freaking out pregnant women on the Babycenter.com boards: "No, no amount of cocoa butter will prevent stretchmarks. No, turning over in bed will not cause the cord to wrap around the baby's neck. Yes, your husband is a jerk for not wanting to go to the beach with you for a walk, but going instead with his (male) cousin who offers to bring some beer and talk. However, texting him that he's in trouble when he gets home and laying into him about it repeatedly isn't going to make him want to spend time with you anytime in the next 200 years. "

You know, advice like that. Since obviously, I am the fountain of all wisdom. Or maybe it's just because I have nearly 10 years of marriage under my belt, and going on 4 children. Sometimes you learn to let things go a bit.

Life is finally slowing down for me as it begins to speed up.

I quit running the natural-foods co-op. It was something that I had been thinking about a few months ago, but since things weren't organized well I decided to get things in better shape before handing it off. I didn't feel right about leaving a mess behind for someone else to clean up. It began working out quite well and had support from the majority of members, but there were a couple of major bumps in the road. After days of trying to work things out, I felt the best thing to do was resign. After much prayer I felt impressed to take the high road and stop everything in its tracks by letting it all go. So, that's what I did. I take comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father knows exactly what happened/didn't happen.

Because of all that I was jumpy even checking my email for a few weeks. I still get a start sometimes when I see new messages in my inbox. My kids suffered, my house has become perilous to navigate. I'm just beginning to come out of my cocoon. I was wrapped up pretty tightly inside it, a mess of emotions in a sticky, dense fog. But it's getting much better now. I'm even hoping to begin updating my decluttering blog again.

I wish I didn't do that, that I didn't take so much to heart. I wish I didn't care so much sometimes. But as much as I wish that or pray to not let things get to me, that's who I am. Ouchy, yes. But if I didn't feel that way, would I still be me? I guess not.

Depending on which way you chart it, I've either been in the third trimester for one day, it starts today, or on Sunday. This little bean still doesn't kick a whole lot. If he's mellow I don't know how he'll handle this family!

So, in a nutshell, I'm getting back to myself and my family. Even with Lion crying dramatically "You ruined my li-i-i-i-i-i-i-fe!" a few times, we're all ok. (I 'ruin his life' on a daily basis, usually every few hours.) The kids have been troopers and we're all hanging in there until next week, when James will FINALLY be done with his master's degree! We're so, so proud of him. We've missed him a lot these past couple of years, but we know it'll be worth it. Only a few more days...his last assignment is due Tuesday. Then, graduation next Saturday! Maybe, if things settle down at work he'll even blog again!

I'm also giving a shout-out to my little sister Karen. She and I are half-birthday twins, born 5 1//2 years apart to the day. I love her so much! It's been really fun seeing her grow as a mom to an adorable little Pixie who turned 1 year old this month. It's Karen's birthday today, so if you'd like you can go to her blog over at Blivit Contemplations and wish her happy birthday!

I think it's a bit cooler now, so I'm going to try to sleep. Hopefully the rest of you are already in dreamland. Goodnight!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Why I've Been Absent From Life...At Least Blog Life

I feel like a really bad blog friend. No, I am a really bad blog friend.

I haven't read blogs. Or answered my email. Or picked up the phone. I got a friend's phone number and have yet to call.

You see, when the world is overwhelming, I retreat like a turtle. I pull my head into my shell. I've been under a lot of stress lately. Concern about the baby. Getting early contractions and such, insomnia, winded from walking across the room. Heart rate waaaay up. Other non-pregnancy things beyond my control. I probably should reach out to people besides my mom and my sister because I'm sure their ears are about to fall off, but what I end up doing is curling up into a metaphorical ball and wishing it all would go away.

Today, at last, there was some relief.

The best thing that happened to me today was when I got a phone call from a member of the natural foods co-op that I have been running for a year and a half, with the help of another member.

We called a meeting last Friday to do some restructuring and spread the "love" (ahem...work) around. There was an agenda sent beforehand, what to expect, etc. Nothing should have come as a surprise, and from what I'm hearing didn't for most people.

The lady who called me was very unhappy. She basically likes how things are being run and isn't for more structure. She feels that it's becoming too "rigid". I can see what she means, but on the other end of it, I have had to deal with a lot of issues that no one else knows about except the vice president...and ok, Karen and Mom. They get to hear everything. I understand that not everyone will agree on what is being done to change things, but the majority seems to. I have gotten positive feedback. The hard thing for me is that I can't handle any conflict. I had been putting off the restructuring for that reason. I felt in the last months that I needed to get my ducks in a row, that for whatever reason I needed to be ready to take a less prominent role and get other people more involved. Now I know why. Plus, unless there is structure things don't tend to run well. No one knows what to expect. It's not right for a few people to do everything and the rest do nothing, especially when it's a non-profit type organization.

Stress and I don't get along. I can't help how I react. After that phone call, I was a total mess. I can't imagine how I would have reacted if she would have yelled at me! Thankfully, she didn't. Still, I was a wreck. It wasn't long until my doctor's appointment.

My doctor took one look at my pulse reading, sat down, looked at me with great concern and said "I can tell you're very stressed." We went over the symptoms I have been having such as contractions, cramping and such. She basically ordered me to drop everything I possibly can. She was ready to write notes or even jump on the phone to talk to who she had to. She nearly put me on bedrest. So, that phone call was a blessing in disguise, since it showed the doctor what happens when I'm under too much pressure.

I have loved my calling in the Primary, but I need to give it up, according to the doctor. The co-op is being restructured, with the hardest part done. I am barely able to do housework or anything around the house before I have to lie down. Because I have an order from my doctor, I feel like I can rest easier. It's not as hard to tell someone "I can't because my doctor ordered me not to" than "I can't because I feel like total crap that has been stepped on by a hobnailed boot". That's especially since there are a lot of other pregnant (or recently pregnant) women in my ward, and I don't want to be the "weak one". But like I said, now I have no choice. My and my baby's health depends on how well I take care of us both right now.

That means I may be around to visit more soon, because I will be laying down even more. Once some of this stress is relieved, I can think. I can't focus on anything now except dumb Facebook quizzes or re-reading books like Twilight that don't require any thought. Once I can though, I will be around again.

I miss you.