Monday, April 6, 2009

Why I've Been Absent From Life...At Least Blog Life

I feel like a really bad blog friend. No, I am a really bad blog friend.

I haven't read blogs. Or answered my email. Or picked up the phone. I got a friend's phone number and have yet to call.

You see, when the world is overwhelming, I retreat like a turtle. I pull my head into my shell. I've been under a lot of stress lately. Concern about the baby. Getting early contractions and such, insomnia, winded from walking across the room. Heart rate waaaay up. Other non-pregnancy things beyond my control. I probably should reach out to people besides my mom and my sister because I'm sure their ears are about to fall off, but what I end up doing is curling up into a metaphorical ball and wishing it all would go away.

Today, at last, there was some relief.

The best thing that happened to me today was when I got a phone call from a member of the natural foods co-op that I have been running for a year and a half, with the help of another member.

We called a meeting last Friday to do some restructuring and spread the "love" ( around. There was an agenda sent beforehand, what to expect, etc. Nothing should have come as a surprise, and from what I'm hearing didn't for most people.

The lady who called me was very unhappy. She basically likes how things are being run and isn't for more structure. She feels that it's becoming too "rigid". I can see what she means, but on the other end of it, I have had to deal with a lot of issues that no one else knows about except the vice president...and ok, Karen and Mom. They get to hear everything. I understand that not everyone will agree on what is being done to change things, but the majority seems to. I have gotten positive feedback. The hard thing for me is that I can't handle any conflict. I had been putting off the restructuring for that reason. I felt in the last months that I needed to get my ducks in a row, that for whatever reason I needed to be ready to take a less prominent role and get other people more involved. Now I know why. Plus, unless there is structure things don't tend to run well. No one knows what to expect. It's not right for a few people to do everything and the rest do nothing, especially when it's a non-profit type organization.

Stress and I don't get along. I can't help how I react. After that phone call, I was a total mess. I can't imagine how I would have reacted if she would have yelled at me! Thankfully, she didn't. Still, I was a wreck. It wasn't long until my doctor's appointment.

My doctor took one look at my pulse reading, sat down, looked at me with great concern and said "I can tell you're very stressed." We went over the symptoms I have been having such as contractions, cramping and such. She basically ordered me to drop everything I possibly can. She was ready to write notes or even jump on the phone to talk to who she had to. She nearly put me on bedrest. So, that phone call was a blessing in disguise, since it showed the doctor what happens when I'm under too much pressure.

I have loved my calling in the Primary, but I need to give it up, according to the doctor. The co-op is being restructured, with the hardest part done. I am barely able to do housework or anything around the house before I have to lie down. Because I have an order from my doctor, I feel like I can rest easier. It's not as hard to tell someone "I can't because my doctor ordered me not to" than "I can't because I feel like total crap that has been stepped on by a hobnailed boot". That's especially since there are a lot of other pregnant (or recently pregnant) women in my ward, and I don't want to be the "weak one". But like I said, now I have no choice. My and my baby's health depends on how well I take care of us both right now.

That means I may be around to visit more soon, because I will be laying down even more. Once some of this stress is relieved, I can think. I can't focus on anything now except dumb Facebook quizzes or re-reading books like Twilight that don't require any thought. Once I can though, I will be around again.

I miss you.


Annette Lyon said...

Not envying all of what you're dealing with. So sorry! Hope dropping a few things will help with the stress levels!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I've really been missing you! I'm so glad you posted so we know what is going on. The most important thing is your health and your baby's health--don't worry about anything else! Stress can do terrible things to people (I know all about that!) Just take it easy and feel better soon! Hugs!

LexiconLuvr said...

Oh Rebecca! I'm so sorry! I can relate. Stress is VERY bad for preggo girls. You take care of you!!
I miss you like crazy (like real crazy) but please, PLEASE take care of you.
Loves and hugs (and that basket is READY to go, baby!)

Jeni said...

I totally understand the shell. I'm glad you are getting your rest now. Everyone has their limit. Don't feel like the weak one. I know when you aren't under medical duress you can outdo just about anyone.

Millie said...

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. :(

Please take it easy!

mindyluwho said...

I can totally understand the curling up in a ball thing. This society is so hard to live in sometimes because we are made to feel that if we aren't doing the supermom thing well, then we aren't worth a lot. It's hard to pull away from what the world expects of us and do what we know is best for us.

Take it easy and enjoy this time to relax and read lots of books and blog...because when that baby comes, well, we probably won't see a lot of you then either!

Miss you!

She's in the kitchen! said...

What sweetness all of you share with "my baby"! For those of you who don't know me, I am Rebecca's mom. I know how much all of your support means to her. Loving, caring words are such important nutrients for a person's spirit. I am so thankful for the world of blogdom.....and the special people in it!

Kimberly said...

I miss you too, luv. And once again I'm just blown away by what kindred spirits we are. Same fear of confrontation. Same tendency to hibernate when things get to be too much.

I'm so glad you have permission to rest. That you can justify it to yourselves and others and that you can now focus on what matters most. Love you!

Abra said...

I hope that your pregnancy goes better for you - I can understand the stress behind the worrying and still having to cope with life too.
Thinking of you...

Larky Lady said...

Hey, what are sister's for? You are there for me and I'm there for you! I am SO glad that your doctor told you to quit everything. I about told you to myself!
Oh, I got something for the baby today! If you don't like it, I'll keep it and give you something else. :)

An Ordinary Mom said...

You just lie down and rest ... and let it all go. I know it is hard, I have the same personality type you do, but the most important work you are doing right now is growing your little child!


Heidi said...

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with so much stress right now. Try to take it easy, and remember that you have lots of people who love you and will do anything for you. So let me know if there is anything I can do! Love you!!

Michal said...

i am ridiculously behind on my blog reading/ commenting, too. i have over 400 unread blogs in my reader right now-- and have still not done any follow up on the healthy habits challenge since it ended. i feel like i lack the energy to get to half of my to-do list.

what i'm trying to say is that i completely understand. and why are we so hard on ourselves as women? we compare ourselves and are so unfair about it. i'm so glad that you have permission/directions to rest. take care of yourself and that baby and go ahead and let go of the non-critical stuff.

Kelline said...

I too have been a horrible blogger friend, and in busy isolation mode, but I think I'm back on track, not as often but a little more regular now. It's nice to know people out there retreat too under the pressure! Bedrest sucks, I was on it for over 3 months with the twins.

charrette said...

I am the worst of the worst at this blogging business. I tend to disappear and reappear all the time. And I, too, retreat when I feel overwhelmed. Which in some ways is counterproductive, because that is also when I most need the support of my blog friends.

I just wanted to tell you that when i was pregnant with my second I was stressed beyond belief, and refused to slow down, and the doctor found that the baby had a heart problem. The good news is that the cure was rest and the baby was born healthy. Please do take care of yourself. The blog world can wait. :)

Jen said...

I'm sorry, you have a lot on your plate. Take care of you & the baby, and hang in there.

I haven't been the greatest blog friend either--and I don't have any other great excuses other than laziness.