I feel like a really bad blog friend. No, I am a really bad blog friend.
I haven't read blogs. Or answered my email. Or picked up the phone. I got a friend's phone number and have yet to call.
You see, when the world is overwhelming, I retreat like a turtle. I pull my head into my shell. I've been under a lot of stress lately. Concern about the baby. Getting early contractions and such, insomnia, winded from walking across the room. Heart rate waaaay up. Other non-pregnancy things beyond my control. I probably should reach out to people besides my mom and my sister because I'm sure their ears are about to fall off, but what I end up doing is curling up into a metaphorical ball and wishing it all would go away.
Today, at last, there was some relief.
The best thing that happened to me today was when I got a phone call from a member of the natural foods co-op that I have been running for a year and a half, with the help of another member.
We called a meeting last Friday to do some restructuring and spread the "love" (ahem...work) around. There was an agenda sent beforehand, what to expect, etc. Nothing should have come as a surprise, and from what I'm hearing didn't for most people.
The lady who called me was very unhappy. She basically likes how things are being run and isn't for more structure. She feels that it's becoming too "rigid". I can see what she means, but on the other end of it, I have had to deal with a lot of issues that no one else knows about except the vice president...and ok, Karen and Mom. They get to hear everything. I understand that not everyone will agree on what is being done to change things, but the majority seems to. I have gotten positive feedback. The hard thing for me is that I can't handle any conflict. I had been putting off the restructuring for that reason. I felt in the last months that I needed to get my ducks in a row, that for whatever reason I needed to be ready to take a less prominent role and get other people more involved. Now I know why. Plus, unless there is structure things don't tend to run well. No one knows what to expect. It's not right for a few people to do everything and the rest do nothing, especially when it's a non-profit type organization.
Stress and I don't get along. I can't help how I react. After that phone call, I was a total mess. I can't imagine how I would have reacted if she would have yelled at me! Thankfully, she didn't. Still, I was a wreck. It wasn't long until my doctor's appointment.
My doctor took one look at my pulse reading, sat down, looked at me with great concern and said "I can tell you're very stressed." We went over the symptoms I have been having such as contractions, cramping and such. She basically ordered me to drop everything I possibly can. She was ready to write notes or even jump on the phone to talk to who she had to. She nearly put me on bedrest. So, that phone call was a blessing in disguise, since it showed the doctor what happens when I'm under too much pressure.
I have loved my calling in the Primary, but I need to give it up, according to the doctor. The co-op is being restructured, with the hardest part done. I am barely able to do housework or anything around the house before I have to lie down. Because I have an order from my doctor, I feel like I can rest easier. It's not as hard to tell someone "I can't because my doctor ordered me not to" than "I can't because I feel like total crap that has been stepped on by a hobnailed boot". That's especially since there are a lot of other pregnant (or recently pregnant) women in my ward, and I don't want to be the "weak one". But like I said, now I have no choice. My and my baby's health depends on how well I take care of us both right now.
That means I may be around to visit more soon, because I will be laying down even more. Once some of this stress is relieved, I can think. I can't focus on anything now except dumb Facebook quizzes or re-reading books like Twilight that don't require any thought. Once I can though, I will be around again.
I miss you.