For some reason my Candida problem reared its ugly head last night. I was pretty sick, cramping and running back and forth to the bathroom. I'll spare you the ugly details. I couldn't figure out what caused it to flare up, then I remembered that I ate 7 onion rings yesterday. If I eat anything that has white flour it causes it to flare up. Goodbye onion rings. I only see you rarely, so it's time to say goodbye forever.
So I don't know if it was a loss of extra water or what, but my scale said that I was hydrated. I didn't work out so I was in bed for an extra hour, but when I got on the scale I was 210.8. Yes, I squealed. I haven't seen that number for about 3 years!!!! I hope I didn't ruin it by eating too much yesterday.
Last night I kept wanting to eat. I was struggling to resist, and I would stay away for a while, then go back to the kitchen to look for something else. I kept looking around, wanting some kind of snacky thing, wishing I had some chocolate. Warning bells started going off in my head, but I ignored them. Lucky for me I didn't have anything that was chocolatey or snacky hanging around. Later, I was sitting on the couch, eating a substantial amount of reduced-fat cheddar and Triscuits, when I realized that I wasn't hungry anymore. I get hungry a lot more often since I've been eating much healthier and less total food, and exercising. But I wasn't hungry, but kept feeling the compulsion to eat.
I stopped to think. "Why do I keep feeling the need to eat?" I asked myself. I realized that I had been feeling the need to eat so as not to feel what was bothering me. I'm pretty stressed right now as this is my first month coordinating for a natural foods co-op, and today's my first delivery being in charge. I've only been a member for 4 months. I took over because no one else would, it was a big mess and many people had left, so I spent many, many hours sorting everything out. There's a lot of pressure on me to make sure it goes well today. Thankfully there is another lady who stepped up to help, and she's wonderful. I don't know what I'd do without her.
When I realized what was going on, I thought further. There was something else bothering me. James works full-time and now he's working on his Master's degree as well at night. He's gone SO much, I don't see much of him at all. Not to mention that it's a lot harder on the kids, the boys really, really miss their daddy. I'm thankful that he doesn't have to travel almost ever, or go overseas, but I still miss him. I didn't think that we would be in this part of our lives ever again when he graduated before. I was so glad to kiss those days goodbye, but they're back again. I found myself crying for a little while because I miss him. I know that he's doing the right thing, and I admire him for working so hard for our family. I know he'd rather be here with us. I wholeheartedly support him in going to school, but that doesn't make me miss him any less.
After I cried for a bit, I felt better. And, I lost the desire to eat anything else. The next time I feel that compulsion, I'm going to stop right away and figure out what's bothering me. Eating mindlessly never fills me up. I could eat until I was ready to explode and just feel bad about it, but still wish I had room for more. When I actually let go and FEEL what my heart is upset about, the problem gets dealt with. Food is NOT a good placebo for emotion. Food is good for energy. It doesn't work well as a mask to hide my feelings behind.